Friday Follies - Friday, May 09, 2008
166 Views :: 0 Comments :: :: Michael Bradley

   Q: How do you get a Pittsburgh fan off your front porch?

   A: Pay him for the pizza.

   Brett Myers had another rough outing Thursday afternoon in 'Zona, and he's puzzled. He can't understand why another rigorous off-season of cheesesteaks, video games and wiffle ball didn't get him ready to throw in the 90s. It's no secret Steve Carlton was great, but he worked his butt off to stay great. If Myers is really a leader on this team, he needs to set an example with better conditioning.

   Twins separted at birth? Spurs center Fabricio Oberto and Mike Damone from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" and Hornets guard Chris Paul and Carlton Banks of "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

   Reform is needed now in thoroughbred racing. First, stop giving the horses drugs on the days they race. It's only done in North America, and it prevents the animals from sensing pain sometimes while they run and shutting themselves down. And get rid of the whip. If the horses are working at maximum capacity, they don't need to be beaten.

   Q: How can you tell if a Pittsburgh fan has a girlfriend?

   A: There's tobacco juice on both the driver's side and passenger side of the pickup.

   Think you have it tough? Check out Roger Clemens. First, he's outed as a steroid/HGH cheat. Then, he has to deal with reports of his myriad affairs (alleged, of course), including one (allegedly) with a 15-year old. Now, the feds want to speak with the ladies in question about whether the Rocket was juicing while they, ahem, were with him. Hey, Rog, Cooperstown is a nice place to visit, but you won't be enshrined there.

   Here's a suggestion for how Andy Reid can solve his cornerback problem: Make one of his three starters into a wide receiver. Not that the Eagles need one, or anything. 

   White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has had quite a week, throwing three expletive-ridden tantrums about everything from the fans and media to Britney Spears. Some might think there's a reality show in there, but it would have to be aired on the Twilight Zone channel.

   Q: What do you get if you put eight Pittsburgh fans in a room?

   A: A full set of teeth.

   Thank you. You've been wonderful. Don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitresses. And try the veal.